Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Reflections

"You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil."
- Psalm 5:4a

"Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me. Save me because of your  unfailing love."
- Psalm 6:2-4

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."
- Philippians 3:20-21

It's hard to feel out of control. I watch as my little boy gets weaker and even the best doctors cannot really help him. They can treat the symptoms but there is no human cure for this horrible disease. I watched as he lost the strength to suck sufficiently to nurse. So we tried bottles but there were food allergies and even then he was eating all day long in order to barely get enough. Even now with the food going directly into his stomach, the inside muscles seem to be having a hard time processing the food and keeping it down. His outside muscles have lost the ability to stand or sit or hold up his head. It appears that my smiley, giggly child has lost the ability to smile or giggle or even cry.

I cry to God to please save my son from the horrible things that are happening to him. I treasure each time that I get to hold his hand or stroke his little cheek. Each time that my loving touch can bring him a bit of comfort. Each time that I get to hold up his head or change his diaper. Each time that his beautiful blue eyes recognize his mama. Do I dare to still hope for a miracle? To hope that I might see the day when my precious little one might walk and talk and smile? Nothing is impossible with God. I know that God is good and that he can save my son, but I am afraid that for some reason that's not his will. I'm afraid to believe and be disappointed.  Mostly I am afraid of watching him suffer.

I believe. Help me, Lord, in my unbelief. Thank you for each precious moment. And thank you especially for the hope of heaven.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dearest Lara,

I weep for you and wish there was something I could do to take away your pain. Remember that whatever happens here on earth, there WILL come a day when you will see your precious little one walk and talk and smile!

Continue to cherish each moment with Timmy...and cling tight to Marshall!

Continually praying,

Julie R.

Mom/Nana said...

Lara, from one Mama's heart to another, I feel so deeply for you and for our grandson! I, too, want to see him smile and hold his head up. We wish for such simple things, when all around us people are complaining that their child can't do this or that fantastic accomplishment. It's a good thing I hadn't read this when I was talking with you, because now I am weeping. One thing, besides your own spiritual life, is to safeguard your marriage during this time. Both of you holding tightly together in prayer over your little Timmy.

Every once in a while I think that the emotional roller coaster has ended, but to see two generations hurting is very difficult for this Nana. So I'll let the tears flow when they come. God can handle our tears, and our questions, and our pleas to find a cure (or miraculously provide one) for this disease.

This is going to be a circular blog today... Love and prayer continuously -

Semmie said...

Oh Lord, my heart cries out to You. Wrap Your loving arms around my friend Lara. Give her Your peace. We know You are holding Timmy in the palms of Your hands. Heal him, Lord. Protect Lara and Marshall. Put a hedge around them.
Lara, I am so sorry you are going through this. My heart weeps for you. Know we love you, we're praying for you. Kiss Timmy for all of us on the east coast!

Aunt Nancy said...

I tried to leave a note last night but my words seem so weak. I go to your blog everyday to know how to pray for you and Timmy. When I was praying for you this morning this verse kept going through my mind, For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us, Rom 8:18. I will continue to pray for healing, comfort, peace, blessing and God's love to surround you.

Anonymous said...

Querida Larita,

No tengo palabras para decirte lo mucho que siento lo que le he esta pasando a Timmy. El es un nino tan especial con una madre muy especial. Lloro por ti Larita. Y al verte sufrir tanto miro a mi hija y tengo que darle mil y mil gracia a Dios que ella esta bien. Tu sufrimiento me hace querer estar con ella mas y mas, y me ayuda a ver lo importante que es el regalo de una vida. Se que tu corazon duele mucho, y que poco puedo decir para quitar tu dolor. Solo sabes que te quiero, y que te admiro mucho. Gracias por recordame lo importante que es, vivir por el momento, de ver cada dia como un regalo de Dios.

Te quiere mucho,
Tu amiga de siempre
Martita

Anonymous said...

Dear Lara,
I too can only weep and feel at a loss for words. You are such a dear and I do so ache for you.

I have thought about the same verse as Aunt Nancy: "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us," Rom 8:18 (even though the sufferings of this present time are IMMENSE).

We continue to lift you up and pray that you would feel God's presence and power and comfort in an amazing way.

Love,
Donna Stark